We begin at an airport with the title on a sign. It pans down to an anxious mouse, then close up on the mouse. It then cuts to a happier mouse on their phone at the park (different style from the airport). They walk down the sidewalk, enjoying their conversation on the phone. Then a small cat-like entity follows them along the way. It mutters something along the lines of "she's lying to you" in the mouse's ear. The mouse turns and
it's on the other side, but it takes the form of the snake. It mutters things like "Not real" and "liar". The mouse turns again. It goes to the mouse's point of view as it pans from the right to the left - BAM. An owl pops into their vision which startles the mouse. The mouse starts to back away from the hostile owl before running off. As the mouse is running, the shadow grows bigger and bigger until there's a HUGE ALLIGATOR-LIKE CREATURE. The mouse runs
and runs, but the alligator-like creature's mouth lowers. It CHOMPS on the mouse's tail and lifts them up before tossing the mouse in the air. As the mouse is falling, they let go of their phone, but desperately try to grab it. They fumble around and try so hard before THUMP - cut to a wide shot as the thump echoes in the darkness. The phone looks like it took some damage and starts to flicker.
Jolting up, the mouse looks at their phone. The phone flickers before going dark. Tear drop. The mouse is crying, and they're left in the darkness without any light. As they're crying, a hand is placed on their shoulder. The mouse turns their head and- it cuts back to the airport where the mouse is looking at the buzzing phone.
The mouse grabs the phone and WHAT. The mouse grabs the sign. In a crowd of animal people, the mouse POPS up with the sign above their head. The crowd clears to reveal an alligator. She turns around and looks in the mouse's direction. The mouse lowers their sign. They stare at each other. The mouse jumps off the bench and the both of them are running towards each other before they embrace in a hug.
Ah, so the alligator like creature is supposed to be his pen pal he's finally meeting? I love how the story has come along. And so far the design of your characters are simple enough for you to animate out. I think what you got will work, and if time becomes an issue (going over 45 sec) just shorten the scene where the mouse is flipping due to the creature.
ReplyDeletei really really like this story!! :D it's coming along pretty good! I feel the alligator should be introduced early on in the story,something like the mouse looks at a picture of their friend on their phone or maybe show the mouse's sign early on ,to give why the mouse is here. (unless the alligator as a friend is suppose to be a surprise/twist?)
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to understand the story and it's hard to follow. The description is also weird and the mouse gets a phone call but you said there are two mouses. Who is on the end of the other phone? Is the one mouse is depressed but the other is happy on the phone. Is it the same mouse? The small cat is like a negative conscious I assume and turns into an alligator that engulfs the mouse. The mouse crying in the belly of the alligator reminds me of Molby Dick. I like this one. Towards the end the alligator and mouse unite. I found this confusing too. It's a alternate reality back into reality but I need you to explain more or wait to see the animation to really grasp it fully. Crocodile eats the mouse but ends up being mouse's other friend on the phone. I also feel like the owl isn't necessary. I don't get the owl thing.
ReplyDeleteI also sense that the morale or main idea of this tale is to push that despite all the negative thoughts one has love for another is forever. The crocodile and the mouse realize their love for each other and rushes to each other. Maybe I'm wrong but that is what I took from it.
ReplyDeleteAct1
ReplyDeleteYour act one works well. I can tell the mouse is anxious to meet someone.
Act2
I had a hard time understanding that their is a entity stalking him. Maybe you could show it shape shifting and coming out of his head. The owl scene makes sense to me, but I am not sure where the crocodile is. But I do like that the crocodile is a shadow creature. It is also clear that they are trying to take away his phone.
Act3
Instead of a random hand being on his shoulder at the end, it should be his friend. Over all, the story works but the entity at times is confusing. Also seeing a photo of what his friend looks like in the begging could help.
Act1
ReplyDeleteYour act one works well. I can tell the mouse is anxious to meet someone.
Act2
I had a hard time understanding that their is a entity stalking him. Maybe you could show it shape shifting and coming out of his head. The owl scene makes sense to me, but I am not sure where the crocodile is. But I do like that the crocodile is a shadow creature. It is also clear that they are trying to take away his phone.
Act3
Instead of a random hand being on his shoulder at the end, it should be his friend. Over all, the story works but the entity at times is confusing. Also seeing a photo of what his friend looks like in the begging could help.
It was a little hard to read in terms of order but thats easily fixable. i thought that the story read well and the stakes are understood but im not sure of the ending was confusing, was it just anxiety? is so when did the mouse go into these thoughts?
ReplyDeleteIt is anxiety of meeting the alligator for the first time. What would you recommend to push it further? Because I thought the cut from the airport to a different place while the mouse being in focus would help out show how they went in these thoughts. (I was also thinking of shifting the style slightly so it can be emphasized that it's in their mind and not in reality)
DeleteI really like your character. The mouse shows emotion pretty well. You really want to feel for this character. Nice story.
ReplyDeleteI like this story more than house sitters because it has more conflict, and its an more emotional storyline. I can feel the anxiety of the mouse because you show his emotion well. I just wish that we could get and introduction to the alligator since it doesn't feel like the surprise of seeing that he's and alligator means much to the storyline.
ReplyDeleteBased on the descriptions and cards, it was a bit difficult figuring out what was happening for a bit. I can see where anxiety ends up being the main issue, but I didn't know if this was like a vision or a dream, mouse got knocked out, etc.? Once I did make the connection, I assumed it was a flashback until the end. I think it's the shift from the airport to the park. The different art style can work as a cue for this vision, but I think some kind of action cue in the mouse as well would solidify this as not being completely real aside from just looking sad.
ReplyDelete